2017/03/27 On doing what you have chosen

To tell the truth, yesterday was my birthday. My sister celebrated it with a mail, saying how happy you must be to do what you have chosen and love. I know she meant no offense, but on the contrary, it is a torture to get myself engaged in what I chose to do. For I am now reading Sartre and there is no other philosopher who tells you more strongly than him that you are free, so much so that you can give up what you chose a minute ago. Every time I am tired and fed up with doing philosophy, I think about other ways of life that I could have taken, such as a working man, or an actor. So at each time, I have to recreate the self who believed there was no other way for me than doing philosophy. That self lets me decide once again to commit myself to the research. This recreation and determination take courage and much effort. To do philosophy is, for me, to recreate my past self and to stand face-to-face every now and again with the life I chose. Nothing can be further from happiness. However, I am coming to believe it to be the way those who I admire and respect lived. 眠い。